Return of the Native...

How I long for a hot shower to ease this throbbing headache and this lingering need to be somewhere familiar...when did India become this place that  doesn't feel like home anymore. There is a sharp need to be back in my routine which is comforting, mechanical and detached. Is it that I have just moved beyond the need to revisit the past and live in the present or is it that India brings back a "bag of memories" I would rather not revisit -- chauvinism, a false sense of progress and a fatalistic approach to life.
Maybe it is the lack of sleep - 18 hours in 7 days...or the realization that some things will never change : however much you move forward in your life (career, money, other parameters...) I have searched for approval from a few close people...approval that I never got...approval that I convinced myself I didn't need...and the resentment of not having the approval gets to me every time.
Sorry - I guess most people treat Facebook and Blogs as a way to discuss how wonderful and perfect their life's are, how wonderfully they have aged and how much their career has progressed and to be honest I was one of those people - I transformed myself through sheer will power from this weird plump little child to a woman I liked (most of the time). I was am a little hesitant to talk about fears and inadequacies but the truth is I am human and I like it this way -
I am strong, I am also weak ; I am a mother, but I am also a woman; I do get lost, but I try and find myself in time; the deep vortex of despair capture me sometimes (more in the past year)...but I am a Phoenix...I believe that out of the ashes of despair will rise a brand new person.
I wish I could call my visit this time to India a vacation, wear a happy face and do the normal things I do - meet people, eat the foods I love, just absorb the atmosphere...yet there is this lingering cloud on my head. Why you ask...I don't want to be a parrot so read it here ...what would you do if you were me?
For now the native has returned....there is a year to say good bye to and a year to welcome...
How apt is this saying -
We can travel a long way and do many things, but our deepest happiness is not born from accumulating new experiences or things. it is born from letting go of what is unnecessary, and knowing ourselves...

Buddha : 24* 7 , Shempa and a good cry...

What are the odds of discussing Buddha, Buddhism and the eight-fold path with two devout Buddhists within 24 hours of reading the book - " Buddha : 9 to 5" - not too many...but it happened to me. I was going to tell you about this book anyways because not only do I believe it helps me "learn and grow" in the work place but it also helps me be "mindfully aware" at home...try to avoid...Shempa...BUT also because it is practical and you should read it if you are so inclined.

Deep...you say...me says focus on the word very practical....
Dimwit...I don't do Shempa...you say...me says...let me explain further
When we experience Shempa, we generally will tighten around a thought or concept and eventually we are hooked to that idea. We are stuck. The attachment paralyses us from seeing issues in any context that is different from our own view of the situation at hand. We are unable to act from a perspective that is open to the creativity of a new approach. As we continue to push the envelope and fixate on the outcome, we are actually building momentum towards attachment....
Sounds familiar...come on admit it...Living life brings with it either an innate learning or wisdom...this wisdom manifests itself in business in level-headness and reasonable decisiveness. It also manifests itself in intangibles like warmth, humor, compassion, humility and graceful strength...we release our fixation on ego and focus outward on understanding people (be it at work or home) and through that understanding where we can create and add value ( for the organization and on the home front). "T" the insightful one said in our conversation yesterday - we are very fixated on a need...we don't know what that need is...we think it is title, money, car, clothes, other material things...we try to fill that need -- yet there is an awareness that there is a gaping hole...something that craves more...maybe we are wiser for recognizing this emptiness and not trying to fill it with the material but reaching for a deeper understanding beyond maybe for something spiritual...

I know that was the exact sentiment I had as I picked up this book from the business section in our public library...I don't think I am even half way there in this journey ...yet as I like to say a journey begins with but one step...for me I think this  journey roadmap would read as follows in both my personal and professional life:

• Right View : the ability to view the situation for what it is...it is what is truthful and right. With K2, I know that I do fixate and make the issues bigger then they have to be and with mindful awareness, I am working towards taking a more level headed approach.
• Right Intention : over the years I have realized that there is a desire in me to love what I do, have a positive impact (whether it is on my family or my work) and have a purpose. Once in a while that sense of purpose might seem a little foggy but it always comes back...

After developing that wisdom, it is about building our ethics system...in most of us it is something we have built over the years with our understanding of what is right and what is wrong? but like every framework even ours could use tweaks...right?

• Right Speech  and Right Action: there is an interesting concept LEAP which is about listening, exploring authentic listening with genuine interest, questions and empathy, appreciate the other person's point of view and present one's own view point. I will provide you a glimpse into a typical day - K2's extended day care had a "talk" with me on K2's arguing every point with the care givers...I tried to sit down with K2 and understand the incident from his view point ( in from of the caregivers L & C), I asked questions, I did get an appreciation on K2's view point BUT with empathy was also gentle strength...an explanation that he needed to respect his elders and I presented my view...the view presented resulted in lots of tears and a I don't like Mama...but I was glad to go through all the steps with K2. The next day K2 understood exactly why he had lost some privileges and tried hard to work on his version of LEAP. We should pay attention to our actions and clearly understand their consequences
• Right Livelihood : Simple from my perspective...do what you love doing and something that your gut/heart tells you is right...and it is probably the right one...K1 keeps steering K2 to say he wants to be a doctor...and I keep steering K2 to follow his heart and his heart tells him to be a dinosaur hunter today...maybe 16 years later he might want to be the doctor his father wants him to be...but whatever he picks..it should not be because of pressure but because it is something he really wants to do..
• Right Effort : I think the book five dysfunctions of a team covers this well - make an effort not to avoid conflict for right, don't avoid accountability,and make an effort to develop and deliver...

All this leads to mindful awareness of self, family, situations both personal and professional -- I am really excited with some of these concepts...they are very applicable to our lives...
I am sure you are fixated on the "good cry" part --- ok so here is what happened. I had a huge stock of red onions in my pantry and beautiful campari tomatoes from my local farmers market -- being the frugal person that I am rather than see all my beautiful produce disintegrate...I sat in the evening yesterday and chopped 14 red onions ( not one not two...) and an obscene number of tomatoes, green seranno chillies, 2 garlic bulbs, huge finger of ginger...and made a huge batch of  indian masala base laced generously with turmeric and roasted cumin powder....this I packed and put in the freezer and will probably last me over at least a dozen rounds of Rajma, Chole, Aloo Dum and other wet subzis....the red onions made me cry for over an hour...my swollen eyes got me weird looks...
So how has life been treating you on the path to Nirvana....

Y(in) the Dark....

It is so easy to lose one's "Yin" in the constant struggle to meet deadlines, work schedules, travel schedules and personal to-do lists...girl stuff like buying clothes, girl's nights out, make up, movies, gym, grown up dinners and spa days ain't happening...it is a vicious cycle and once it starts, it is easy to make excuses and let things go...you know you have really let things go when  you suddenly notice that your clothes are two sizes too big (yep! for a change losing it not packing it on)...in theory seems like a good thing but in practice...ain't a good place to be in...so there was a point when I told myself enough already and set myself two ground rules (a) have fun (b) explore "me" time.I have really stretched and grown in this area  in the past three months - No Judgement, Only Action...
Zumba is something new and strange for me - I keep rejecting it and then approaching it tentatively again (all in a period of half a year)...it has helped me loosen up...learning to have fun with music and movements.Pink has become the new black in my wardrobe - shopping more consciously for clothes that are an opposite of what I normally pick...mixing things up. And most importantly, I have gone back to the roots with my cooking and food-- it is comfort (with a healthy twist). My "new" bread maker bakes me breads....filling the house with the yeasty warm smells you associate with a bakery...I get feedback from K2 on the taste of the bread ( the important part) and from K1 on the shape and the thickness of the bread (not so important part). I just baked this fresh loaf  with 100% Organic Sprouted Whole Wheat (Arrowhead Mills), Mango Lassi (don't ask me -- creativity sometimes flows), Honey, 2 Handfuls of Raisins and one handful of walnuts

 K1 and I make breakfast together on weekends : Waffles and Pancakes with whole grain mixes, organic eggs cooked whichever way seems right for that day...here is a peek at K2's breakfast last weekend - a homemade waffle sandwich filled with sliced bananas and smothered in Nutella  and an omelet

I treat myself every night to a decadent tasting dessert ( the famous "me" time) : Oikos 0% Non-Fat Greek Yogurt with a tablespoon of local honey...and maybe the Yin Side will not be sidelined or stay in the dark any more...
This week has been a blur of activity - birthday parties, shopping, followed by a quick trip to the city to pick up passport...car servicing...K2 is loving the transition from nanny to extended day care...he is at the stage where he is happier with other kids...an articulate story teller and a superb artist ( I don't think  I can draw an elephant and he drew an awesome one... hmm I wonder where he gets that from?).

I had an interesting Yoga Class today...we were expected to keep our eyes closed for the entire class....I succeeded maybe about 20% of the time..it was uncomfortable, it  made me go inwards, embrace the dark and find balance within the chaos...
Here is a sweet sweet song from the 1960's with a totally different notion of  Yin...so quaint and yet so sweet and refreshing...


So, do you have your holiday plans yet...mine involves travel, work and some vacation...I look forward to some quiet times with loved ones, some great food and a time to create memories and welcome the New Year.