DREAMers United...

                                                 "I had a dream
                      I had a dream that we were ... a generation to behold 
                Writing fires with our words ... Instead of useless smoke that blurs"

I watched a really powerful movie over the weekend - "Hidden Figures", the messages in the movie struck a chord in me - a society that aims to deny opportunity to any of its members shoots itself in the foot. The task is to exhume and examine the struggles of our past, to move beyond hidden hate, find talent wherever it may exist and, together, reach for the stars.

Brings me to current day and the very real problem of the revocation of the DACA by our erstwhile President. Being a first generation immigrant, I understand the hardships firsthand of making a spot for yourself in a new country, slowly settling in and "sort of" fitting in and getting comfortable. My son being born in this country was not his choice but a part of the adult's decision making process....so as I was trying to explain the implications of the revocation of DACA to K2, he exclaimed - but it's not their fault, this is so unfair. If a 10 yr old is able to understand the implications of this action, why is a grown up 71 yr old  who is responsible for the well-being of this entire country not able to make the right choice ...boils down to one thing...he doesn't believe in equal rights for all...almost feels like we are going back a century into the times when it was ok to have segregation between races...

As I ponder these potentially flammable topics on a very hot day ( the Bay Area has been touching 110 degrees in temperature this week...), we cool down with some scrumptious Dahi Vada.

We made yogurt for the first time in the IP :

1. Phase 1 - Heat the Milk, 2% Organic Milk 1/2 Gallon (make sure vent is in sealing)
2. Phase 2 - Cool the milk ( ~ 35-40 minutes)
3. Phase 3 - Add the Starter - I added the Nanak Yogurt, tastes the closest to Indian Dahi
4. Phase 4 - Set the Dahi - Press the Yogurt button and let the IP  do it's magic

We made a super simple Dahi Vada with "Deep's Vada"...we don't fry in my house...so this is the work-around ;-)

As I enjoyed the Dahi Vadas on a hot day, the words of Martin Luther King rang loud and clear in my mind - Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. So I am asking myself the question - what am I going to do about it?

The Bitter Truth : Killing Daughters one Foetus at a time

I am the mother of a son ( and truth be told I had wanted a girl with an unholy fervor...to the extent that I had  only picked out a girl's name). Much of this fervor came with my childhood experiences : the discrimination of  girls from boys...whether it was food, pocket money, opportunities...there was a difference - even in the so-called educated echelons of society. It wasn't a big surprise that my thesis for my first year of under-grad was on Female Foeticide, I got an A+ in that paper but was left with the distinct feeling that I had just scratched the tip of an iceberg...based on what I have seen in India ( and mind you a lot of this blog post is based on my formative experiences in India, so take it with a grain of salt) - sons feel entitled while daughters feel grateful for being given a chance. India has progressed yet I see that the problem  has aggravated : where now no longer is a woman just focused on the household chores, she also is expected to go out and earn a livelihood with her man. Example in Point: The three ladies who worked for my Ma in Pune, all contributed 40%+ of the household income but took care of 100% of all the domestic chores at home. The statistician in me kept asking them pointed questions and the answers I got pissed me off no end.

In a country that worships Ma Durga for ten days, it is ironical that we treat this issue with such blase disregard. Why this renewed interest in the topic, last night I was in the mood for a serious documentary and I watched an episode of "Satyameva Jayate" ( the truth always wins)  which was on Female Foeticide.

The episode is in Hindi, but the statistics from this episode are eye-popping and self-explanatory. If you are interested in watching the episode feel free to go here

(A) This problem started in urban areas and spread to rural areas...contrary to belief that it was practiced by the uneducated, it is propagated by the educated.

(B) This problem used to be prevalent only in 3 states (with Tamil Nadu leading the charter) when I did my research in 1992, in 2012 - this phenomenon has spread across India

(C) The Sex Ratio has been declining dramatically the past 20 years...

I had read somewhere - Women, who comprise half the world's population, do two thirds of the world's work, earn one tenth of the world's income and own one hundredth of the world's property

The Change lies within - it is about Society changing it's mindset, implementing checks and balances in the system, it is about these us women refusing to be victims and choosing to walk down the lesser-trodden road...

Incidentally it was Bapa who brainstormed with me almost two decades back and helped me pick the topic on Female Foeticide...it has been exactly 3 months today since he passed away (March 11th,2013) and the emptiness and grief that hit me today  was unusually sharp...

So how is your week turning out? I had wonderful food delivered by House of Lakshmi - soul satisfying South Indian Food...I have two boys calling me downstairs to go for a walk down to the Bay Trails and I am  excited to be a part of TedXSanJose tomorrow...so bonjour  tristesse thank you for being a constant companion the past three months...can I take a rain check for the next couple days!

The Next Genderation...and an Aha! Moment!

For the fact that I work in the Bay Area (a dozen years) and have had the dubious pleasure in two of the companies I worked at of being the only woman Product Management Lead...I have to say with a certain amount of regret that I haven't really been to any of the conferences hosted by PBWC. This year was a marked change...I was at The Next Genderation conference in Moscone. My first thought on walking in - (a) Holy Shit! this is a lot of women (~ 4000)  Second Thought - Dang! my hair is short ( hey if you were looking for something more than sheer vanity look elsewhere...seeing all these women with their lovely tresses was intimidating...I understand now why K1 rolls his eyes every time I come back after a hair cut)...Vanity aside I think this conference gave me a lot of food for thought...I got to see live on the stage successful women who were sharing the "secret sauce"...be it Jackie Speier talking about keeping a close network of friends who would remain with you no matter what ; to Sheryl Sandberg asking us to lean in...to gorgeous Rita Moreno who at 81 defined Joie de vivre...to Jennifer Granholm who told us to take on the hard challenges...whether we succeed or fail, we will surely learn from them.

 My head is whirling with all the things I heard...some were immensely helpful and others I will soon forget. I loved  the session on body language where I learnt not to tilt my head while listening (you are acting submissive)...don't smile too much...don't fiddle with your hair or jewellery ( doesn't apply to me ;-) )...don't nod your head ( M told me about that one a week back,  nodding your head like tilting your head is an act of submission, I am trying so hard to internalize it...but it is a cultural thing you see...most Indians are Bobble heads...)...my aha! moment came    afterwards on a long cold walk with K1...here is what I realized : The secret sauce that worked for one successful woman can bring another woman abject misery...here is my example...when I had K2...my life changed dramatically yet instead of taking my leg off the pedal...I ahem! leaned in...I took a new role which played into my area of expertise...pretty sure I would crack the code and nail it...what those 9 months taught me was humility and an acceptance that sometimes leaning in doesn't work...you need to lean back and get your priorities in order...(and my priority then was my baby...and no I couldn't afford to use the next door office as a nursery)...I chose to join as a smaller fish in a bigger pond and what an experience that was...and guess what I loved my job and got to spend time with K2 (there were no sacrifices or compromises just finding out what worked for me).So find your secret sauce...it might help you : become a CEO,  write a book, raise a happy, healthy and well-adjusted child or something as touchy-feely like finding peace/happiness...

What else did I do today - K1, K2 and I whipped up a quick 30 minute dinner that looked like this...

For the curious - it was Khichidi made with brown basmati rice, whole moong  dal and Garbanzo beans, a simple moong sprouts salad and Palak Paneer...as a friend says it - Life is good!

Anamika...the nameless one!

I feel angry... I am a woman,

I feel shame...I am a woman

I feel helpless...I am a woman.

• There is a rape in India every 22 minutes
• 51% of the rape victims are below the age of 18
• New Delhi has the dubious distinction of being the rape capital of the world
• The rate of rapes in India has doubled (so much for emancipation!) in the past 10 years
• Ironically, about 90% of the rape victims do not report in India due to social pressure and fear of being shunned ( Dalit Women and women in Kashmir stand out as classic examples)
• Interestingly, India is but 3rd in the world for reported rape cases, US is first (18 K rapes registered in the first 3 quarters of 2012 in India vs. 93K in the US)

I grew up with a understanding that there was a clear disparity, my mother was overly cautious where I was concerned...be home by six, I don't want you going out late in the night etc. etc....I understood  but resented the fact that I didn't have the same level of freedom my brother had..

I wrote and studied dutifully about the statistics of  rape, female infanticide, dowry deaths in India...I knew all the facts in theory, yet it became a real issue in my mind in 1991, when there was a case of a 8 year old girl who was raped by 3 men and then drowned...I wrote a poem about it (and then hid the diary in the back of my cupboard, I felt all the things I mentioned above every time I read it...angry, helpless and shamed)...there was but one article in "The Indian Express" after which the issue became a non-issue. I remembered the incident every time I opened the diary and read the poem (which became fewer and far between with the passage of time), I read it again today -

Rape 

Painful gasps

Dried Blood...

A sense of degradation.

No-one to hear my anguish and pain,

No-one to cover my naked body.

Stripped to my soul,

Treated like a whore.

I lie a helpless animal,

A prey of social attitude...

A toy, an object to use and abuse.

So I give up my will to live,

Death does come in the end.

I was born in a country where Gandhi taught us Ahimsa (non-violence), he said - Your voice has been heard," "It deepens our determination to battle the pervasive and the shameful social attitudes that allow men to rape and molest women with such impunity." Yet with Ahimsa, we have achieved status quo in the past 65 years...what we need now is rapid action. My hope is that the 6 men who were involved in the brutal  rape and murder of the young woman on a bus in Delhi are given nothing short of capital punishment ....Capital Punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.

May she find peace and justice (Anamika in my books, called so many different names by others who has now evolved into a Shakti)....this nameless girl who in her death has created a revolution.

She was but 6...

When I heard about the shooting on Friday, I was shocked and then scared...I am the mother of a 6 year old, a first grader and I can't bear to imagine the anguish, gut wrenching pain and emptiness that the parents of these beautiful babies are going through...I hugged my son close the past two days, not letting him too far away from sight...

Innocence was lost on this day...

All  that was left with the parents was silence...

And the ricochet of bullets...

Birthdays lost, proms unattended...

Field trips, Impish Smiles and teen love no more...

Life crushed....life obliterated.

Yet the ones that live,

Left with an awareness so keen,

Unexplained violence,

Bloodshed and tears...

In temples, schools, malls, theaters...

I cannot tell my little boy -

Go play outside with your friends,

You are safe...watched over.

I hover over my little one, 

Anxious, Paranoid, Afraid....

When will I ever feel safe again...

Will I ever speak to my little boy of the ugliness?

Of those beautiful children lying bloody and mangled...

Victims of a sick, depraved and lost soul.

The words stick in my throat,

A reluctance to strip away more innocence...

All I am left with is - an image and a thought...

She was but 6....

Dedicated to Emilie and all the beautiful souls lost on Dec 14th....Say No to Violence !!!

Women are from Earth and Men are Aliens....

It is so true that our work and personal lives are strife with stereotypes...be it thirty years back when my Ma commented on the lack of looks or cooking skills and hoped I would make it into medical school ( or even dental school) and redeem the lack of domestic/and other skills...that didn't happen. I did redeem myself on the face of it and did it on my terms (I am still surprised that I managed to do it...and count the blessings, its not all hard work and I will be the first to admit it).

Fighting, struggling and slowly surfacing into a generation where these stereotypes were dusted/hidden under a carpet...a work culture where 95% of the team attending a happy hour were men, 99% attending a high brow M&A meeting in Europe were men ( do the waiters in the conference room count), 99% of the folks in a product meeting are men....we are emancipated....yes there is a woman CEO at Xerox, Pepsi and Yahoo...but why then is that number plateauing at 3%...are we our own enemies?

I feel righteously virtuous that I work a full schedule, plan and cook organic meals for my family (weekly  visits to the farmer's market), do the laundry (ok with a little help from K1), manage all finances and keep a clean organized house....yet the reality is I barely keep my to-do list and life together. K1 says - let go...easy for him to say when he is not anal about cleanliness, checks balancing or giving my son meals which are not outsourced all time. You see me whining in my blog, in real life and on the phone on "how hard it is to keep things together"...the reality is it is what I said before just whining .  When I meet a man who actually takes a stand and says I am ok with my wife working and me being a stay-at-home dad...I look at him weird ( go right ahead, judge me...but it's true I faced that situation and I confess I was not as sans stereotyping....).

How can working women meet life on their own terms. Here are my seven mantras...you don't agree well then you can just go stuff it, it's OK to come up with your own list.

1. Lose the Guilt - Remember the famous Peter Principle...I can be a good home maker and a good product manager. When you expect me to cook, clean, make lunch boxes, keep an organized house, organize finances, meet work deadlines, deal with extraordinary degrees of organizational politics, hit vague MBOs PLUS be an amazing mother who volunteers time at her son's public school, bakes amazing cookies, spearheads associations etc....it ain't happening and I get in way in over my head. Well, I felt extremely guilty initially about not being able to juggle all the balls in the air and missing quite a few...now all I try to feel is gratitude that I am doing my best.
2. Outsource - I outsource some of the household work - laundry, cleaning...the cooking is very bare bones and mostly healthy stuff and we sometimes outsource that to a lady who comes and cooks some Indian food for us (when we are actively sick of my dals, pastas and soups). I am too anal about  Finances to outsource - so I end up doing bills, budgets, taxes on my own...that is a choice I am making.
3. Lean Heavily - I feel understood by a handful of women in the same boat as me...I think we have an informal support network...if I didn't have these ladies I don't think I could take some of the really long, hard, disheartening days
4. Communicate Openly - I think I overdo this one with K1 and K2....I keep letting them know what irks the crap out of me, what needs to be fixed. I think what I miss to let them know is how much I appreciate K1 taking an earlier flight and getting back home when I was sick, or doing the laundry, taking K2 to soccer games, cleaning the garage uncomplaining after our geriatric four legged companion...or K2 for all the blue faces that he gets or the sweet things that he says and all the help he tries to offer me in the kitchen 
5. Seek Balance - For me it is this blog -  an outlet. So is my Yoga class, I love putting my body through those complicated poses because while I put my body thro' those poses, my mind eases down and decompresses.
6. Set Priorities - My yoga teacher of the past 10 years said in every single one of his classes - set an intent for your practice. About a month back I said, why not set an intent/priority for that week...it can be high level and I can execute to the extent that I can...for example for this week it was to Organize my Kitchen and finish up on an XXX strategy document which isn't really due till next week and I am steadily seeing progress in both areas.
7. Team Work- I ask K1 for help...I refuse to be the victim who is doing all the work on her own and is tired all the time. I need help with grocery, K2's homework etc. etc. I have started asking for help...I don't get it sometimes and we end up having an argument on work load etc...both of us feeling wronged...however at the end of the day, we are in this together...we figure it out.

What's playing on my computer today? Ekla Chalo by Rabindranath Tagore (Bengali Poem) sung by Shreya Ghosal

Loosely translated - if no one listens to your call for help, learn how to walk alone....those are my learnings...your biggest support system is YOU, so don't let that support system crumble -- nurture and cherish it...

Another year...life and such things.

The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good people do nothing – you must be the change that you want to see in the world

For me to quote Gandhi is an irony - I respected him but was never a pacifist, I abhorred any form of injustice and could never keep my big mouth shut...be it slapping someone  double my size who was eve-teasing a timid classmate on the bus to refusing to bribe a police man who had wrongfully confiscated our kinetic honda....there are "n" number of incidents in my life where my choices decided my place in life and it is a place I am happy in...of course there are moments where I have the "what if" questions in my head but I am happy with the majority of the choices I have made in my life...I am ok with not grazing with the herd...and standing out, if  I believe I am walking the right path...

A realization I had late in life in my 8th week of pregnancy was that my baby was what I eat...so I started my treks to the sunday farmer's market...slowly as my pregnancy progressed I made new friends in the market, people I knew by name - who sold me the freshest eggs, the sweetest strawberries, the strangest looking sunchokes, sumptuous pies, locally sourced honey, and many other things...I learnt that Zucchini flowers could replace pumpkin flowers in the fritters I made that reminded me of home...for the past 6 years I have been mind fully moving a lot of our eating habits to organic foods...watching Aamir Khan's "Satyameva Jayate" 

made me feel good about my decision. To A my brother who tells me I have a tendency to over-correct...whatdya say now? This week has been mind-opening  food wise with a constant deluge of movies like : Food Fight, Ingredients and Toast

Why do we revisit our life as we know it at least twice ( for sure) in our lives :

1. On New Year's Eve
2. On our Birthday's

The years are galloping by - don't know when I left the teenage and hit adulthood and have been officially middle-aged for a while now...any regrets, of course a number but my perspective now is to look at the glass half full vs. half empty. Does that mean I have become Ms. Sunshine & Sweetness....not really --- I still terrorize K2 to write a journal, take a nap, eat healthy stuff....and nag K1 to take the garbage out, listen to me (yeah like that's happening),  cut the veggies etc....but I do believe this year I learnt to prioritize what matters most and I think what matters most is My Family -- I love them and I know that they define me and my existence. I have prioritized happiness - I know life is not always fair and maybe I don't get what I want or deserve, yet when I take a step back and get a handle on where my life is, I feel grateful...I feel blessed and I choose happiness. I have prioritized inner peace - I choose to kick out that ANT  that was trying to make a place in my mind...making me question the purpose of living, futility of existence etc. etc...I have prioritized health be it my weekly treks to the Farmer's Market, my foodie adventures in my local market, cooking grains with weird names ( quinoa, farro, amaranth...) or my energizing Zumba classes, relaxing Yoga classes and nature walks with the 2 K's...

Breakfast yesterday was a blast from the past...something Ma used to make time and again for  me and I am keeping the cycle going -  the little guy loves all things eggs. I am sure y'all have your own version of good old scrambled eggs and toast.

For akoori (parsi scrambled eggs) and Toast

• 2 Organic Jumbo Brown Eggs ( Olivera Egg Ranch)
•  4 Egg Whites
• 2 Thai Chili Peppers (Teng Lee Farm) - finely chopped
• 1 vine ripened Tomato (Rensendiz Farm) - finely chopped
• 1 Purple Spring Onion (large) (Rodriguez Farm) - finely chopped
• Fresh Cilantro (Rodriguez Farm) - finely chopped
• EVOO
• Organic Turmeric Powder, Roasted Cumin Powder
• Beckmann's Oat Bran Bread

Add 1 tbspoon of EVOO to wok. When the oil heats -- add the turmeric and cumin powder - it hisses and sizzles. Then add the chopped onions and the chillies (no chillies for K2). Once it has browned ( go with your gut, its all about the smell and the look). add in chopped tomatoes and cook. While the tomatoes are cooking I break the eggs in a bowl and lightly whisk with some salt ( I used some pink australian sea salt that I had, that I needed to use). Add the eggs to the mixture. Stir till the eggs reach the consistency you like ( I like it really well-done, not soft and runny). Add some organic TJ's Ketchup (maybe a spoonful, don't ask me why, I just like it this way).  Sprinkle the cilantro on top.

In parallel make your toast -I usually enjoy my toast with my akoori...one bite of toast and one bite of the egg --- some kind of heaven that is. K2 likes his toast with Nutella or Chocolate Peanut Butter and K1 with regular peanut butter :-)

For me the meal takes me back to childhood but I am conscious that every bite of this meal is locally sourced/pesticide free/organic . This is one of the fool-proof meals that K2 will eat without a single complaint. I usually pair it with a bowl of cut peaches or strawberries to make it a breakfast-dinner kind of a meal for him (when I am unusually tired or usually lazy :-) ). Sending this over a topic close to my heart : Let's Cook: Kids Special  being hosted by Tickling Palates

How do I plan to spend my birthday - work, hug my son, work some more, talk to Bapa, work some more, hug K1, work some more....have a really lovely meal ( I am really craving Ethiopian....why is it that the Peninsula has no good Ethiopian?)...So Another year goes by and life goes on too...

It's a man's world...

Talking of addictions...apart from the gym and grocery store I have been addicted to the "good ol' telly" and for the past month or so have been watching "Prime Suspect" (1-7) with Helen Mirren. I was hooked...K1 lost interest somewhere around Episode 2 and to be fair to him, the storyline was slow moving, procedural and focused on the struggles of the female protagonist against the misogyny and sexism of her male colleagues during the investigative process. I watched "The Final Act" and as it ended there was a sadness that I won't have any more episodes to look forward to and a resentment at how it all ends for Jane... who was in most circumstances a police officer first and a woman second - leaving us an impression of a woman dependant on alcohol, who was losing her identity (she was retiring from the job that consumed her life)...broken, lonely, lost....and trying to survive. I try to tell myself things have changed and there has been a lot more progress now since the 20 years back that they first conceived the idea of "Prime Suspect"...but then has it really?
 Last week I was reading  an eye-opening report "Stemming the Tide" by professors at University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee - the study focused on women in Engineering (but I would put forward that this would broadly apply to  roles in technology companies/start-ups in the Silicon Valley). They found that just one in four women who had left the field reported doing so to spend more time with family. One third left "because they did not like the workplace climate, their boss or the culture," while almost half departed due to "working conditions, too much travel, lack of advancement or low salary"....Cultural Stereotypes have women branded as "nice and compassionate" and men as "aggressive and competitive" and if a woman exhibited the latter traits - the behavior is considered inappropriate and presumptuous (Note: I didn't say this the Dept. of Sociology at North Western makes this claim).

Reality is I have never really thought about it being a man's world and have always believed that you focus on the tasks at hand and delivering results and then demand expect the appropriate rewards. I have been exposed to situations where my belief system has been shaken and questioned BUT then again I have been in multiple situation where I have discovered that actions do get rewarded...however for the most part I think what is key is the following : a woman needs to balance her personal goals  with her professional goals and prioritize the must- haves for success. I know that I want to get home  to a kindergartner and I choose to cook dinner for him every night vs. do take-outs. Yes, that means more chores (cooking, grocery, clean-up) but it also gives me a peace of mind and satisfaction that I am making healthy choices for my family. It also makes me more efficient at work because I focus on getting the task at hand completed vs. taking coffee breaks, lunch breaks, walk breaks (all of these principles fly out of the window if there are no tasks on hand :-) )

 Balance in my mind is not a resting place. It requires flexibility, adaptability, strategy, intuition, moving quickly and yet keeping still. Perhaps this balancing act is the ultimate art of the feminine, reflective of our daily quest to juggle family, career and self. So yes, I  understand it is a Man's World  but I choose to play work in it on my own terms. There might come a time in my life when I question my decisions and reprioritize but for now...life goes on...

For Breaking Up is such a hard thing…

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye…Anonymous

As Eric Clapton says it in the Song “Blue Eyes Blue” –

I thought that you'd be loving me

I thought you were the one who'd stay forever

But now forever's come and gone

And I'm still here alone ( truth is I found someone else)

It was the winter of 2002, a rainy day when I made that first call…the result was magically instantaneous…Cable TV and High Speed Internet from a ethereal entity called “Comcast”. The price was also right…I continued this relationship with Comcast for 8 long years…two years back I moved to their Triple Play Package – Phone, Cable and Internet. Initially it felt like the panacea to all my issues YET as the honeymoon period passed I felt pretty dissatisfied with the relationship. All promotions were geared towards new customers; the monthly bill slowly kept creeping up. I ignored it for a year, I was too lazy (or maybe too preoccupied) for a change. This month I finally made a change. We moved our phone service to Vonage World 2 weeks back ($25/month, Call 60 countries including India for free). Yesterday, we moved our Cable TV over to Dish Network ($30/for the first year). We have decided to keep our High Speed Internet on Comcast for the time being. Yes, it did take a little bit of juggling to get all the services lined up and get everything up and working. Even though saving money was not the main criteria, we did end up reducing our Cable/Phone/Internet bills by 50% a month (almost $100)

This week has been quiet…what with K1 traveling. K2 has been wonderful and we spent some time in the evenings working on alphabet puzzles. The progress has been slow but K2 is learning his alphabets. Dinner yesterday was food from a Sichuan Restaurant – Asparagus Fried Rice, Kung Pao Fish, Dry Cooked String Beans and Mu Shoo Vegetables for K2. K2 seemed to enjoy the spicy fish and asked for more which was very heartening. Saturday Weekend Lunch is Hot Parathas (Whole Wheat Flat Breads cooked with potatoes, broccoli and carrots), Salad (Persian Cucumbers and Baby Red Radishes) and Yogurt. I will be going over to the Farmer’s Market tomorrow to pick up some fresh produce. Monday is a vacation day for me, so I will probably take K2 to the zoo…what are your weekend plans?