Saturday, November 16, 2013

I am enough...

“Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling"     
                                 -- Brene Brown - "The Gifts of Imperfection"

The truth of the matter is I cannot be perfect, maintain a perfectly clean house, check off To-Do List both work wise and in my personal life, maintain an equanimous self and be a perfectly loving wife, daughter/daughter-in-law, mother and employee. There are days (who am I kidding, happens most days!) when I am not put together...there are things I forget to do, bills I forget to pay, a son I forget to hug...K1 rolls up his eyes and says - you going into work like that! I am in  my super-casual capris and I forgot to dust on some makeup ...I feel a little inadequate and insecure. The reality is I (and if you ask yourself you too...) tend to brush these insecurities under the rug, wear a pretend face of Optimism and Happiness (tell me you don't do it?) and tend to conquer my fears in all the wrong ways ( by pretending that I am all right!)...I keep striving for that elusive Perfectionism while I sacrifice my peace of mind, happiness and sense of well being. Universe does give us "Wake-Up" calls and we are just as quick to hit the snooze button and go back to our way of living ( it is a known entity however distasteful). So, this book "The Gifts of Imperfection" was my aha! moment ( I have been having a lot of those since March)...

I have been priding myself on "Self-Sufficiency"...but the reality is I was (am) needy...needy of approval and praises from my family, people around me  -- telling me what an awesome job I was doing at work, at home, with K2, with life in general, how I have "arrived" (yeah right!). What I learnt was Self-Sufficiency is not quantifiable, its a mental place, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that we are enough. And the truth was I was not there yet. I can be there...awareness is that first step towards accepting myself with all my perceived flaws and claimed strengths. With that thought in mind I accept that -  I am Worthy now, not if, not when, I am worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.  Because at the end of the day as Maslow so beautifully put it in his hierarchy of needs -- we need to be loved and belong...and if we can't love ourselves we will never believe that anyone else can and without that...we will always have a "closed heart" and strive for that unachievable goal.

This week has been  a good one - work wise and on the home front. I have cooked some and one of the new things I tried was a Chana Kheema ( a spicy Chicken Mince and Chick Peas Curry) which turned out much for being the mad scientist in the kitchen.

Plans for the weekend include R&R and a hike. How is your weekend playing out?

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