In Loving Memory : Happy Birthday Bapa!

Last year at this time (319 days back) I was with you and I held you tight...because I knew you were scared...and you knew I would be lost without you...I wasn't ready to let you go then and I am not quite ready to let you go yet...I love you Bapa and I miss you!

Here  is what I want to tell you today -

Thanks for all you've done

I've missed you for so long

I can't believe you're gone and

You still live in me

I feel you in the wind

You guide me constantly 

I carry the things that remind me of you

In loving memory of the one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be

And even though you're gone

You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone, no

'Cause you were always there for me

 ---Alter Bridge "In Loving Memory"

Happy Birthday Bapa...I will save a piece of cake for you !

Eat.Move.Sleep : The 30 Day Challenge

Small Choices. Big Changes

In your lifetime some books come which shift your thought process and make you act vs. just passively read the book and enjoy it.

For me there are a few books which have given me AHA! moments and  have been a lifeline to living not just existing ( eg.Bhagvad Gita) and strangely enough this rather inconspicuous book "Eat.Move.Sleep"...mostly picked up because I loved Tom Rath's first book "Strength Finder 2.0" which I had read way back in 2010.

This is more than just a book, it is a new way to live. I have had friends look at me weird when I talk about Vitamin D and Vitamin B12, flinch when I talk about the 30 grams fiber that a woman needs, eyes glaze over when I mention Chia Seeds, Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts,  Kale, Quinoa, Amaranth, Maca Powder...I am not a person who goes with Fads...however I am mindfully making the choice to live a healthy life. 

Eat.Move. Sleep  is motivating to me because (A) the changes being proposed are not radical (B) there is a 30 Day game plan that I can come up with based on a comprehensive questionnaire I take on the site (C) The onus to be accountable is on me 

Day 1:

1. Identify the three healthiest elements of diets you have tried in the past. Integrate these elements into your lifestyle for good. 

• Removed "Whites" from my diet - moved to Brown Rice, Quinoa and Barley as my main carbohydrate source
• Added a Kale Smoothie (with Chia Seeds and alternative milk) to my diet
• Start my morning with hot water, ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar) and Honey

2. Starting today, with every bite you take, consider how it can benefit your body. Use what you have learned in the book to make better choices in the moment. 

I am my mother's daughter...

I was bone weary when I reached home at 7.15 PM from work (it was a hard day) and I needed to find my comfort in food - my Ma's food. So I lifted up my pressure cooker, my rice cooker and a degchi (a wok of sorts)...and of course my handy helper K1. We had dinner on the table in about an hour and it looked like this

From upper right : Aloo Phulo Kobi (Cauliflower with red baby potatoes, Saago Bhoja (Kale cooked with garlic), Lau Muga Dali (Moong Dal cooked with Opo Squash) and Quinoa

I have been reading for the past day a book by Iris Krasnow :  I Am My Mother's Daughter: Making Peace with Mom--Before It's Too Late... .My mother and I have a very stormy relationship...like oil and water. Bapa used to be the translator, the mediator, the communicator in between and with him gone it almost feels like we talk past each other. The only topic where we can have a discussion without dissension is Food. This book is helping me understand/appreciate our relationship and emphasizes the necessity to mend any broken mother/daughter relationship. 

"Let go of the anger. Embrace her imperfections. Forgive her, even for unforgiveable acts. Move on, into a mature relationship between equals, with a lowering of expectations and a surrendering of the heart."

In our case it is a moving past our egos and an inability to look at any point of view other than ours...at the end of the day Motherhood I have found out is :

Hello 2014

Salut

   اسلا عليكم

Ciao

你好 

Sawubona

今日は 

Hallo

ନମସ୍ତେ

नमस्कार

Never have I waited with so much of anticipation for one year to end and another one to begin...2013 SUCKED BIG TIME ! there is just no reasoning or rationale for losing a loved one and trying to make peace with it....I haven't yet, maybe in time I will but for right now I am still in the denial phase.

Ironically before 2013, I have never set resolutions for myself and have been able to have spectacular success with life milestones :

1. Not being a pack rat - maintaining a reasonably minimalist life style
2. Zero Debt - hard to conceive, even harder to implement - done & done
3. Maintain a healthy lifestyle
4. Make Family a priority

The 2013 resolution I set for myself last January - Live Life in the Present, Live Life Unafraid -- I failed at rather spectacularly - I have spent the past 9 months exactly not doing that - grieving over things in the past ( my father's death), afraid of disease (cancer and such things) and lamenting the if-only's (if only I had booked my tickets a week early in March...)...so I want to try that resolution one more time this year...especially inspired as I hear this beautiful beautiful song - Clouds by Zach Sobiech -

Well I fell down, down, down

Into this dark and lonely hole

There was no one there to care about me anymore

And I needed a way to climb and grab a hold of the edge

You were sitting there holding a rope

And we'll go up, up, up

But I'll fly a little higher

We'll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer

Up here my dear 

It won't be long now, it won't be long now

January 1st, 2014 is the first blank page of a 365-page book. I will make sure that the story I write is not a  borrowed idea, expected outcomes or history lessons. It will be  about new learnings, living, pushing myself, changing myself and shaping my own destiny unafraid of the path I am charting for myself.

Seven Learnings from Jury Duty

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."

I didn't expect my first jury summon to end up in me getting selected to be a juror...yet that was the case. It did put a lot of the other stuff on hand in the back burner...initially I was a little cranky -- thinking about all the things that needed to get done : customer visit, ops meeting,  To-Do List,  gym classes missed. However, I soon got into the spirit of "By the People For the People"...and by the end of it I was glad I was a part of the process (from the 12 Angry Men which is all men...to 8 men and 4 women in our Jury, where one of the woman became the Foreperson (yes I am talking about me) does seem like some progress).The gist of the case - a civil case over a car accident that happened some years ago, with the plaintiff claiming medical, pain & suffering.
The jury was an interesting mix of people from a yoga teacher, to a customer specialist, a really involved research scientist, a ditzy woman (no I am not talking about myself...and really sometimes I wonder if she was in the same room as me), a public company CTO, a guy who wore designer nail polish (yup I said guy!) among others...as I met these people that I was going to be spending almost a week with...I had a flashback to a movie that was a requisite for one of my courses in Non-Verbal Communications and Group Dynamics - 12 Angry Men. The movie was on to something - I was really struck by how the lessons I learnt as a part of this Jury will hold me good stead at work

1. Long gone are the days of my way or the highway...it's obvious that to reach closure with the decision and for everyone to feel a part of the process it will require a society with a cooperative value system rather than mechanisms and systems dominated by individualistic efforts. If I had my way the decision would have been very different and absolute. I didn't believe that the Plaintiff's case had a leg to stand on and would have awarded "zero" pain and suffering. Yet, as a part of a group where 3 individuals believed that the teenager deserved pain and suffering compensation, the decision was different, though not very radical for the defendant...
2. “being willing to stand alone” is uncomfortable but it is ok to be uncomfortable if the decision comes from your strong beliefs and the reality is even though I am mocking the ditzy woman -- the strength of her conviction that the teenager had suffered was unbendable and unshakeable...having that kind of conviction in the face of dissent is absolutely admirable (however frustrating...and seriously was she in the same room as me???)
3. There was a sincere dialogue towards a solution.  In my experience, respectful listening and sincere consideration tends to influence others in the group in a similar manner. So important to consider in work life where we tend to run roughshod on people. 
4. Constructively integrating opposing views can contribute to developing effective coalitions - what struck me the most was our decision was an integration of the group's view...our views were too radically opposed for us to reach a consensus but I think we reached a decision that all 12 jurors agreed with
5. Just listening - sometimes we think when we talk we sound so smart and say amazing things...but  just shutting up and listening really works. I am learning to shut up and make it about you not me...easier said than done!
6. We really did avoid the pitfalls of Group Think..."putting unanimous agreement ahead of reasoned problem solving”
7. Embracing Diversity and valuing it gave us a greater capacity to adapt, discuss and agree...reaching the desired state i.e., the decision.

If you haven't watched " 12 Angry Men" and have 92 minutes to spare...I urge you to do so -

If you don't...you read my blog post ;-)
I would like to leave you with a quote from the movie - " I don't believe I have to be loyal to one side or the other. I'm simply asking questions."

I am enough...

“Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling"     

                                 -- Brene Brown - "The Gifts of Imperfection"

The truth of the matter is I cannot be perfect, maintain a perfectly clean house, check off To-Do List both work wise and in my personal life, maintain an equanimous self and be a perfectly loving wife, daughter/daughter-in-law, mother and employee. There are days (who am I kidding, happens most days!) when I am not put together...there are things I forget to do, bills I forget to pay, a son I forget to hug...K1 rolls up his eyes and says - you going into work like that!...so I am in  my super-casual capris and I forgot to dust on some makeup ...I feel a little inadequate and insecure. The reality is I (and if you ask yourself you too...) tend to brush these insecurities under the rug, wear a pretend face of Optimism and Happiness (tell me you don't do it?) and tend to conquer my fears in all the wrong ways ( by pretending that I am all right!)...I keep striving for that elusive Perfectionism while I sacrifice my peace of mind, happiness and sense of well being. Universe does give us "Wake-Up" calls and we are just as quick to hit the snooze button and go back to our way of living ( it is a known entity however distasteful). So, this book "The Gifts of Imperfection" was my aha! moment ( I have been having a lot of those since March)...

I have been priding myself on "Self-Sufficiency"...but the reality is I was (am) needy...needy of approval and praises from my family, people around me  -- telling me what an awesome job I was doing at work, at home, with K2, with life in general, how I have "arrived" (yeah right!). What I learnt was Self-Sufficiency is not quantifiable, its a mental place, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that we are enough.” And the truth was I was not there yet. I can be there...awareness is that first step towards accepting myself with all my perceived flaws and claimed strengths. With that thought in mind I accept that -  I am Worthy now, not if, not when, I am worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”  Because at the end of the day as Maslow so beautifully put it in his hierarchy of needs -- we need to be loved and belong...and if we can't love ourselves we will never believe that anyone else can and without that...we will always have a "closed heart" and strive for that unachievable goal.

This week has been  a good one - work wise and on the home front. I have cooked some and one of the new things I tried was a Chana Kheema ( a spicy Chicken Mince and Chick Peas Curry) which turned out AMAZING...so much for being the mad scientist in the kitchen.

Plans for the weekend include R&R and a hike. How is your weekend playing out?

The Happiness Diet

I was glancing through my kindle yesterday and I was struck by the number of diet books I had on it (28)...some of them

• The Dukan Diet : Protein is good for you
• The 5:2 Diet : Feast 5 day Fast 2 days
• Engine 2 Diet : Stay away from Animal Product - includes eggs, cheese, meat etc.
• The Sugar Detox Diet : No sugar diet (Waaaaaaaaa!)
• Dare to Detoxify : 21 days of major torture

If you are wondering, I haven't really done anything on these diets beyond feeling virtuous that I had them on my Kindle. There was one book that had a Food Title and yet was a great read - Better than Chocolate : 50 Proven Ways to Feel Happier.

I think we Human Beings have an uncanny knack for complicating our lives, trying to fill that empty void with material things, going through the motion, losing faith and hope...comparing, envying and sometimes just wallowing in unhappiness. The reality is Happiness is not elusive, it is not a mystery and it is definitely not something reserved for the special few. It is just a "hop, skip and jump away". You have to choose happiness.

To say I loved the book was an understatement...I need all the props I can get...I keep going back to Diwali in India last year with the 2K's , Bapa and Ma. Bapa was so happy - we lit the diyas with Ma, he took me to a shop and got me a kurti, Ma made us some amazing cutlets and every time those memories rush into my brain, there is a physical pain in my heart...a pain that I won't see Bapa ever again (yes I understand he lives on in my memories, but it is not the same as sharing jokes, fears, talking on the phone everyday - no judgements - only support and love). I miss that and there are days when I feel alone and sad and that feeling of emptiness and void fills my being. And on those days books like this help. Read the book if you want to know all the 50 proven happiness inducers, out here I will talk about the 7 that have made a huge impact on my life -

1. Make a Happiness List : I have never written down one formally but there are a lot of things that bring a spring to my step and maybe that is  the topic of my next blog
2. Exercise : This week has been hard work wise and I almost didn't make it to my Zumba Class...I walked in 3 minutes late and dancing to a beat I didn't always get but which made me sweat like crazy definitely made me happy
3. Self Acceptance : You are made a certain way for a reason...accept it and love it. I always worry about my weight, my odd sense of humor but lately I am more accepting of my perceived flaws and indulge in accepting myself in a positive way.
4. Minimize your desires : I have been reading the Bhagvad Gita and it says Desire leads to Attachment and when Desires are thwarted it leads to frustration and unhappiness. Why not just want and need less...happiness will be automatically ours
5. Practice Gratitude : Every night before I go to sleep I list to myself three things that I am Grateful for...and I usually go to sleep feeling Happy.
   
6. Change Your breathing - since I discovered that Breathing can get me to control my temper, I have practised intentional breathing (pranayama)
7. Act Happy - I am not saying Fake it But I am saying if you smile even though you don't feel like it...in a couple minutes you will see your mood is elevated...people are smiling at you, the clouds part on a rainbow, that growling dog suddenly starts wagging it's tail....you get the picture.

I am so glad it's Friday today...this week was intense and the weeknights were crammed with activities we couldn't avoid...like Trick or Treating yesterday with the little ones...but I did look forward to Friday Evening because I got a chance to roll up my sleeves and create some kitchen magic. 

I made Rice Kheer - get my fool proof recipe here and I made Rava Ladoo for the 2K's. The recipe I used was from this video  (warning - this  recipe is in Marathi). Have a  wonderful Diwali!